When I left my husband, the feeling that there was a wall between me and any other man was impossible to get rid of. No matter what I tried, no other man could come close to making me feel like my husband had. It didn’t matter what they did, there was something always holding me back from being fully invested in the relationship. It wasn’t a continual comparison, it wasn’t anything specific that just didn’t measure up…there was just a distance between my heart and theirs that I couldn’t shake.
Memories would come up at the most inconvenient times, feelings, longings, heartaches. Even though I refused to admit it, there was a connection that just couldn’t be severed. It felt as though I couldn’t help but love my husband, even when I was trying to do the exact opposite.
Our marriages are meant to be a reflection of God’s relationship with us. That is the actual point of marriage and why God created this deep relationship. The thought of how our marriages and our feelings towards our spouse are meant to mirror God’s feelings towards us, has been rolling around in my mind. If it was this impossible for me to ‘move on’ from my commitment to my husband, even when I wanted so desperately to, how much more is it impossible for God to stop having loving feelings towards us?
I know how it is to try to find a replacement after leaving my husband. Once you have joined your initial spouse in covenant, it cannot be broken. “Until death do us part”. That is what you have committed to, regardless of your spouses behavior or how your feelings (“For better or worse”), or theirs, seem to change. You have agreed before God that you will love them until death. And that is what God holds you to. There will never be a marriage, a boyfriend, a lover, that comes close to filling that place in your heart like your spouse does. Once you have said these vows to God, your initial spouse is tied to your heart with a spiritual bond that cannot be cut, regardless of how the world defines your marital status.
God has made a covenant to us as well. He is tied to us with a bond that cannot be severed and, no matter how hard we try running from that bond, we will always have an ache to return to him. God, literally, cannot give up on us. He can’t help but chase after us, it’s built into him to love us passionately, to desire to have us as his own, to want deep, meaningful relationship with us. Once God created us, we had a special place in his heart that just can’t be replaced. He loves us so deeply, so unconditionally, and nothing else can come between that.
I can’t help but love my husband. I know that running from my marriage couldn’t stop that love and I know that, regardless of what he does and how he acts, I will always love him. Because I committed to a covenant with my husband, until death do us part, it will be impossible for me to love anyone else. It’s so amazing to me to know that, if my heart is tied to my husband this strongly, God’s heart is tied to mine even more. There’s nothing I can do to stop his love for me. There’s nothing I can do to stop his commitment to me. Wow. What a overwhelming thought!