I was thinking yesterday about my experiences trying to run away from my marriage.

One of the memories that came to mind was the weekends I spent with my boyfriend. I was very invested in the relationship and had told him I was in love with him. We were talking about moving in together, how we would raise kids together and he had mentioned buying me a ring. My heart was more involved with him than it had been with any other man. But still…still there was something missing. I couldn’t put my finger on it. There was a wall between us, a level that I just couldn’t get to. It didn’t matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t allow myself to fully relax with him. I enjoyed his company, I had fun, but I knew that my heart wasn’t as invested as it needed to be…there was something missing.

I always looked forward to the weekends we spent together. When I had time off of work it was spent with my boyfriend and every time I had this image of the weekends being relaxing. I wanted to feel rejuvenated, refreshed and content. And I’m sure that’s what people saw me enjoying with him. But that’s not entirely what my heart felt. Every weekend ended with the feeling that I needed something more, that we had rushed around too much and that the goal hadn’t been achieved. I felt more restless than before. And that feeling almost left me panicky. What was wrong that I couldn’t reach that goal? What was wrong with me that I couldn’t break that invisible wall down?

Being that my husband is involved with someone else right now, I tend, as most people would, to believe what my eyes are telling me. They look happy in pictures, his family thinks he’s happy, life seems to be going pretty smoothly…But if I remember how my life seemed to others when I was rebelling against God and how I still appeared happy and content to those around me, I should know that you can’t always believe what you are seeing.

Chances are, if you can see trouble, there’s even more going on under the surface. Like rapids on the river. If there’s movement on the top, there’s even more current underneath.

If you are in a situation where you are judging the book by the cover and not trusting that God is working even when you can’t see it, stop. If God has given you specific instructions and you are following his commands, keep going regardless of what your eyes are telling you. Trust that God knows what he is doing, because he really does and he really is. Be obedient, take the steps that he is instructing you to take, and trust that he is working on the other side of the mountain. There’s a point to God’s instructions. He isn’t just asking to you to walk a certain way for fun. He’s doing it for a reason.

When I was dating my boyfriend, everyone around thought we were the cutest thing. We looked good together, we were happy together, we had fun together, we made an effort for each other and we told people how happy we were. We were everything we were supposed to be as a couple and when you looked at us, you would have thought that everything was going smoothly.

Don’t make assumptions from what you see. There is so much more happening under the surface.

God is working even when it doesn’t seem like he is even looking in your direction.

When I was sleeping with my boyfriend I was thinking of my husband (two years later!). But I wasn’t telling my closest friends that. When we would go on dates I would wish he would do things my husband used to do. But I wasn’t telling my friends that. During sex I would wish he would do things or say things my husband used to do. But I wouldn’t dream of telling my friends that.

If your spouse is running away from your marriage, don’t trust what your eyes are seeing or what your ears are hearing of their circumstances. They are searching for God and until they find him, they will never be content.

Satan’s lies are temporary thrills so why would we stay in them permanently?

Every single time I would say ‘never’ about my marriage, my heart squeezed inside me. “I will never move back to my home town”: my heart told me I would. “I would never try things again with my husband”: My heart told me I would. Whatever a ‘never’ was attached to what I was saying, I knew in my heart it wasn’t true.

Don’t trust what your rebellious spouse is saying or what their lifestyle looks like because chances are high that the exact opposite is happening in their heart and they know it.

This is where being prayer warrior is critical. Bend those knees, get on your face before God and know that even when you don’t see him working, he is! Allow God the space to work in your spouses life because he can do a much better job than you could even attempt.


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