After about eight months of me living my own life and moving to a new city, my husband and I started ‘dating’ again. There was a “God Moment” while I drove away from my hometown after a visit and after a phone call to my hubby, a long relieving talk, tears and the comfort of hearing each others voices, we decided to get to know each other again in a dating-like process.
During this unfortunately short lived period, my hubby and I chatted about how we had dated other people. It was weird, we thought, how we seemed to unknowingly be attracted to people who reminded us in looks and character to each other. We guessed that we had developed a “type” after being married for almost six years. I was now attracted to fit, humorous, bearded men (funny, but strangely true) and he was attracted to strong, outgoing and brunette women. I have even seen pictures of women he has dated and it’s strange the similarities there are between them and me.
I think that it goes deeper than developing a “type” once you’re married.
In their book, Real Marriage, Mark and Grace Driscol say that when you are married, your standard for beauty needs to be your spouse. But I really think that this isn’t capturing the depth of this standard. It’s not that it needs to be your spouse, when you try to run away from your marriage, you realize that your standard IS your spouse. I believe that once you have committed to a covenant marriage in front of God, you have also committed to a lifetime of automatically being drawn to either your spouse, or, if you’re running from your marriage, people that have your spouse’s traits. Which ultimately means that you are craving your spouse but not acknowledging that fact.
Isn’t it amazing, bewildering really, that when you look around at re-married couples, how many of them are with spouses that remind you of their previous spouse? Whenever someone leaves a marriage, you always hear them say this line “I’ll never marry a person who…” and they describe something about their spouse. But when they commit to another relationship, nine times out of ten, that new person is extremely similar to their spouse. It happens all the time! Why is it that we don’t question this? Why haven’t we tried to go deeper when we see this happen? We just assume that the re-married or re-committed person is happy and that they just are *shrug* attracted to people like their spouse. And we move on.
But let’s stop and think.
The majority, if not all, re-married people have remarried someone extremely similar to their spouse.
Almost 70% of second marriages fail and the number just rises after that.
Because it’s easier to get a divorce after the first one? I’m thinking it’s deeper than that.
Because you’re less connected to the second spouse than you were the first?
Because you are really searching for your spouse, your initial second half?
Keep questioning it, keep asking God for answers. Don’t just allow society to carry you with the flow and tell you what to think or numb that gut feeling gnawing at you. Keep searching.
I went to the bar one night when I was living my rebellious life and there was a guy there that was trying to get me to go home with him. I was dating someone at the time and very invested in that relationship and I rejected this guy and told him about my boyfriend several times. For some reason he thought it was a good tactic to ask me one question about the guy I was dating and to try to describe him from that one answer. It turned out that this random guy at the bar was right on the money about the guy I was dating, but what he didn’t realize was that he was actually describing my husband too and making me realize how many similarities there were between my husband and the guy I was dating.
I don’t have any bible verses to back this theory up, but I do have personal experience. I am a very strong and slightly (ha) stubborn person. I wouldn’t try to feel this way on purpose. With all of my heart I was trying to move on from my husband and trying to be free of my past. But even in that strength and stubbornness, even in all the ‘happy’ times and even with all the guys I tried dating, I have realized that there is more than just a “type” that you develop after you’re married. It’s ingrained in you, whether you like it or not. Once the vows for your initial marriage are said, once that covenant is committed to, you have a standard of attraction that is your spouse and that standard can only be imitated and never duplicated. You will never be satisfied with anyone else until you are with your spouse, realizing that you were searching for them all along.