Last night I prayed a prayer that scared me. I prayed that God would allow me to do something reckless for him. Again. You would think that I am already at the place where I am doing this for God. He is basically providing the money for me to survive; I have no permanent residence and nothing else to my name. I am dependent on my God for everything in my life right now. But I am finding that although I am really just living on faith right now, I am getting to a point where it seems ‘normal’.
My pay-cheques are covering, if barely, my bills and I am living off of the meager tips that my part-time waitressing job in a small town provides. I’m not a martyr, I don’t enjoy suffering nor am I trying to romance my position in life, I am actually content and peaceful with where I am at. I am enjoying seeing God work and waiting on him! But, like I said, I have gotten to the point where this place that I am at is do-able. And I think that’s why I prayed this prayer for challenge.
Really, that’s what it is.
I prayed for a challenge.
Why are we so afraid to pray prayers like this? Are we afraid that God will hurt us? If we go to church and memorize scripture like “I can do all things through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13), why is it so hard for us to believe that this is actually true?
Isn’t it better to be challenged and see God work, than to be comfortable and only see a tiny part of him?
When I took that one step of obedience, God showed me just how powerful he is. I gave up a boyfriend I was committed to, I gave up my new life with so many good friends close by, I gave the dream of buying a motorcycle this summer, I gave up a cute condo, I gave up being close to my niece and my sisters, I gave up a great paying job, I gave up a dynamic and amazing church, I gave up the dream of owning a home soon…the list goes on! But guess what. I don’t regret any of it! And it’s not because of me. I’m not an amazing person that can just live simply and be happy with it. I’m not someone who wants to be single or is satisfied with living at my parents place. But when God brings you through something, he provides you with what you need in order to make it through.
If someone had told me pre-Easter that I would be giving all of these things up and moving back to my hometown, I would have laughed hysterically and actually thought they were the probably the stupidest person I had met. I’m not kidding. Not only did I want to give up any of these things, but I didn’t know how it would be possible…how I would mentally, emotionally, be able to.
But with God, all things are possible.
Without these things, I am content. I am satisfied. I am living an amazing life and seeing my God work daily. And that is better than any of these things combined.
I would much rather live without these things and see firsthand that my God is powerful, than live with them and wonder if my God is truly as big as the bible says he is.
Why are we afraid of allowing God to work in our lives? Don’t we believe that he actually wants us to prosper (Jeremiah 29:11)? Are we so full of ourselves that we actually believe we can control our lives more effectively than God can? I mean, really, that’s what it boils down to. If I can’t pray this prayer, if I can’t abandon control of my life to God, than I am actually saying that I believe I can do a better job than God can. Personally, I think that’s scarier than giving him control in the first place.
So I’m going to pray this prayer again tonight. And even though it gives me butterflies when I wonder what it means, what will change in my life in order to experience being reckless for God, I am excited. Excited to see God move so wildly in my life again.