You know that feeling when you’re on fire for God? Where you want to tell everyone about him and when you tell them, you’re so passionate, so excited that you feel like you could explode? I’ll tell ya, I don’t feel like that right now. I have waves of that fire these days, but it’s more like a constant smouldering now rather than the crackling fire that was in me when God first grabbed my heart again.
Today when I sang a Christian song in my car, instead of having that fist-pumping “Yeah, lets go kick some butt God! Let’s win some hearts over, let’s share about you to anyone who will listen!” moment I usually get, it was more like “This is good, I like the words, love ya God”. Which isn’t bad, my head and heart are in the right place, but the energy just wasn’t there today. And that’s ok!
Sometimes it just takes obedience.
Some days you just don’t want to have that passion, you don’t want to spend time in the morning with God, you don’t want to listen to Christian music.
Some days it’s about being stobborn through that and instead of avoiding time with God that day, you push through.
Some days it’s about knowing that because you don’t feel like praying, that’s all the more reason to pray.
My life is very insignificant right now. In societies view. I’m living a single life, I’m staying at my parents home, I have a part time job and very little money after the bills are paid. And when I keep my eyes focused on Jesus and not the opinions and expectations of people around me, it’s easy to be satisfied with the simplicity of it. Most days my heart is raring to do something big for God, I’m ready to give my belongings away, to empty my wallet of whatever cash may be in there, to volunteer my time to whatever God puts on my heart…but some days, this is all work. Some days I need to just say the words out loud in order to realize that I still mean them.
I know that what I have been doing lately, living for God and surrendering my time, money, marriage and life to him, and desiring and praying for wisdom to walk in the Holy Spirit, is the best thing I have ever done. In. My. Life. Ever. I feel like I have found my place in life. I feel like my spirit is finally content. It’s an absolutely precious gift. But it’s a very abnormal place to be. It goes against everything our society has engrained in us. We are raised, whether we know it or not, to be driven by everything but a relationship with God. Career, money, social relations, belongings…anything that shows everyone else how much we have and how ‘successful’ we are. So sometimes it’s hard to have none of these things and to be willing to give up what I do have.
But I know the trouble I got myself into before by not pushing through the ‘feelings’ and just being obedient. My relationship with God is not based on feelings. Feelings are fickle, they are continually changing and it would be a stupid move to base my faith on feelings.
Sometimes it’s just about being obedient whether we feel like it or not.
Easter weekend I wrote my husband, a man I had been away from for two years and who I was legally divorced from, a letter. I wrote him and apologized for my actions, for leaving him and causing so much pain. I wrote that I still loved him and wanted to reconcile our relationship. I wrote that God had done a miracle in my heart and that I was following him again, passionately. And I wrote I would be living as his wife until he returned to me regardless of how long that would take. It was something I knew that God was asking me to do and it was not something I was going to take lightly or something that I could deny. It was so strong on my heart to do this that if I denied it, it would mean denying my God altogether.
What I didn’t know was that this was the same weekend my husband proposed to the girl he was dating.
Sometimes, all it takes is obedience. Even when it doesn’t make sense. Even when we don’t feel like it. All it takes is pushing forward even when we know it means making ourselves vulnerable.
It doesn’t matter if God has put something on your heart or if he’s told you in his Word, obedience shouldn’t just happen when we feel like it. I certainly don’t feel like continuing with this path all the time. Especially since my husband has now had a wedding. It doesn’t always make sense to me that God would ask me to wait for him regardless of how long that will take. But I know what I have read in the Bible about marriage, remarriage and adultery and on top of this, I have heard God and seen him work in my life in incredible ways since I have been obedient to him in my marriage. I can’t deny that God’s hand is in this. If I deny that, I might as well deny my faith.
It’s not easy knowing that, for an indefinite amount of time I will be living a single life. But God doesn’t ask us to be obedient to him when it makes sense. He just asks us to be obedient.
So today, when I felt like the Holy Spirit was prompting me to pray, even though I didn’t feel the fire, I prayed. And I prayed firmly. Stubbornly. I wasn’t going to give satan any foothold because of my feelings. I was going to help give God victory regardless of my feelings.
And tonight, when I go to bed, I will pray again. Out loud, if that helps me. I will pray for anything God puts on my heart. And I will pray them because I am determined to be obedient. I am adamant that satan will not have any more footholds in my life. Satan belongs crushed under Gods feet and I’m going to remind him of that tonight.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And because God asks me to pray with thanksgiving, tonight I will thank him, not only for everything he has given me but for everything he will give me.