Well I just finished having a temper tantrum.
Yep, I’m a 29 year old woman and I had a temper tantrum in front of God. Why is my life where it’s at? Why did you tell me to move back to my old home town? Why did you give me this dead-end-pays-pennies job?
I was sitting on the couch, attempting to have my “morning devotions” (which turned out to be happening at 4pm) and spend time with God when I suddenly got hit with a ton of negativity and emotions building up about my situation. Why God? Why can’t you just GIVE me something?
And as I’m sitting there, venting and crying to my mom about my life and how it’s not where I want to be and how I can’t make it financially in my job and how I don’t want to live with my parents any longer and how I want my husband back and how I want want want….I look down and see this stupid verse that my bible is open to. “Oh you of little faith” (Matt. 6:30). And I start to cry harder.
God, just show me what you’re doing! Show me that you’re working and that I will be rewarded for this effort I’m making for you! “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?” (Matt. 6:25). I roll my eyes. Seriously God? I laugh through my tears. Thanks God, thanks a lot. Ok ok, I get it.
I realize I’m a spoiled girl. Or I am realizing. One of my friends recently told me, in a funny moment, that when we would go shopping as friends they would just let me lead because otherwise the trip wouldn’t go so well. I’m spoiled. Apparently I always have been. So when God tells me to move back to my home town, to take a piddly job as a waitress and to live with my parents, all seems good and fine until I realize I don’t have money to do anything. No money to buy a dress, no money to visit my old city, no money to go out for dinner and definitely no money to buy my own house.
Why God? Why can’t I just have my own home? I’m 29, I just want to create a house, buy lamps, decorate, wake up to make coffee and sit on my patio. I just want to mow my own lawn! (Aren’t I going to regret saying that later…). And I look down again and another binkin’ verse is jumping out at me: “Do not store up for yourself treasures on earth” (Matt. 6:19). OK fine. I get it. And God laughs and nudges Michael “She just might have gotten the hint.”
Why can’t God just give me something?? Hasn’t he already? He has rescued me from a unfulfilling life, one that I was pursuing wholeheartedly and without remorse. He has shown me that life with him is rewarding, plentiful in heart, peaceful in the center of turmoil. Most importantly, because he GAVE me his Son, allowed him to be brutally murdered on the cross while he carried MY sin and MY shame and MY hardheartedness, I have been ALLOWED these things to begin with! I have been allowed a fulfilling life, I have been allowed a rewarding life, a plentiful and peaceful life. I have been allowed an amazing relationship directly with my GOD! And I have the nerve to ask what God will give me? So I will continue to live the life that God has asked me to, I will press on and give God glory.
And I will work on not being so selfish (rolling my eyes at myself).